You established eye contact. Spoke the same language you always use. Seemed to get some recognition from your loved one, but for some reason, it now appears you didn’t get through to him or her. Or maybe you did get through and she or he got hurt or blew up and seemed to totally misinterpret what you said. How can you get through to your loved ones and make them understand what you mean? What is the problem?

Part of the problem is that you are communicating on different levels and using different parts of your minds to get through to each other. We think and feel and live in consciousness, our thoughts. Without consciousness life is meaningless and without our thoughts and feelings we would cease to exist. But thoughts are on one wavelength and feelings are on another. So how can you both get on the same wavelength? The answer is Parts Consciousness. I am talking about the three major parts of consciousness.

Research has shown that human beings have a conscious rational mind, an emotional subconscious mind, and a super consciousness. 10% of thoughts and thought processes are within our awareness, in our conscious mind, while 90% of our thoughts and thought processes are below or beyond our awareness in our subconscious mind. A lot of the personal problems that individuals experience are due to the fact that the subconscious and conscious mind are in conflict. The rational conscious mind acts like an older sibling to the subconscious that is more immature and emotional. This is known as the struggle between “I want” and “I should.”

The subconscious mind, our drives and desires, wants to get what it desires, but the rational conscious mind points out the dangers and pitfalls. For instance, you may want to eat that sweet gooey desert just like any child would, but rationally you know all those extra calories and sugar won’t help your diet. So you have an inner struggle. Like an older sibling pointing out that the last time you ate something like that you didn’t feel good to a small child, your rational conscious mind chides your subconscious mind and the struggle begins.

Now take that one step farther. Your rational conscious mind also communicates with your loved one’s subconscious and your loved one’s conscious mind also communicates with your subconscious mind. And remember, what makes this even more difficult, the majority of thought and thought processes are below the surface. So you may be reacting to a feeling, but not know what is behind that feeling and your loved one may be doing the same thing. That can cause a struggle between your own conscious and subconscious while your loved one is struggling with his or her own feelings and thoughts as well. What a mess!

If 90% of your thoughts and your loved one’s thougts are subconscious that means it is imperative to find a way to communicate with the subconscious, understand it, and reason with it. The key is to bring the thoughts and feelings to the surface and to each express what you think and feel in a non-judgemental way. First, tell your loved one what you feel. Then say what you think about that feeling. You have just established the key or communication between your own thought and feeling. Next, ask your loved one what he or she feels and then what he or she thinks about his or her own feeling. At first each must share what they think and feel from within and only about their own thoughts and feelings.

Next comes the tricky part where love and control are necessary. You must each find a way to tell how you feel about each other’s thoughts and feelings. Then you must find a way to explain what you think about each other’s thoughts and feelings. Once you have done that, though, you will know exactly where you stand and possibly be able to finally understand each other in a way that was never possible before that.